Mexico

Here I am writing my first blog post in Mexico! One week in Mexico down, three more to go. I feel like such a world traveler these days. Mexico in September, Grand Canyon in October, Florida in February, Denver in May and back to Mexico in June. I had been wishing to travel more and it looks like my wish came true. Although, I never thought I would be living in Mexico for a month for cancer treatment.  I would much rather be visiting Mexico for a month because I am on vacation rather than because I have cancer. But here I am, one week down. It's been a tough week physically and emotionally. I know why I am here, but I miss my family terribly and at times have wished I could just pack up my bag, hop on a plane and go home. But I still have three more weeks before I am reunited with them again, so I press on towards the goal to win the prize. I continue on because I want to heal and be around for a very long time...the age of 87 at the very least.
This last month I have struggled with discouragement and my faith has quite honestly been tested. After returning home from Denver my health began to decline; more than I had experienced this entire last year. Even though I felt like I was doing everything right, I continued to suffer from poor health. I was frustrated and unsure of the next course of action. We had looked into Mexico a year prior, but the timing was not right. God wasn't leading us there until now. Now was the time to pursue treatment out of the country.
Why out of the country you ask? Well, the thing is...my oncologist tells me there's no cure. I'm not curable. They have tricks and gimmicks that can prolong my life, but the inevitable is still there. Stage 4 breast cancer is not curable. So, why would I continue doing what my oncologist thinks I should do if it won't really help in the long run? That seems silly to me. That's not good enough for me. I want to be cured. I want to live a long life. I want to see my children grow up, graduate college, get married, and have grandbabies. I want to grow old with my husband.
Now, Mexico is not a guarantee. Nothing truly is, but I believe that the body can heal itself if given the proper nutrients and tools. No, Mexico is not a cure-all....only God is. God is my true healer. And I believe that my declining health was the only reason I am here in Mexico today; that God wanted me here for a reason. I'm not sure if that reason is for complete healing, or for the relationships and fellowship I have experienced while here, or if it's for my emotional health, or for my faith to increase? I don't yet fully know the reason I was brought here, but I know God has directed my steps. Not only here to Mexico, but this entire cancer journey. He has been with me every step of the way. And boy what a journey it has been. Such hardship, pain, hurt, disappointment, and frustration. But at the same time such blessing, encouragement, faith, growth and perseverance. God is continuing to refine me and mold me and shape me into His likeness. Everyday I am learning more and more about myself. God is continuing His good work in my life and will carry it onto to completion. I continue to run the race marked out for me until I reach the finish line. My story continues on. We haven't reached the end. The final chapter hasn't been written yet.

As far as my time here in Mexico, it has been a truly wonderful time so far. We have settled into a routine and have already made some lasting friendships! We stay fairly busy with treatments, but have a lot of down time as well. My mom and I have enjoyed our time together and have enjoyed watching shows, reading devotions, coloring, laughing and talking together with treatments thrown in in between! The staff here has been amazing. They are so caring, encouraging and supportive. And the food has been off the charts. I am totally going to have a difficult time going back home without having someone serve me breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. It truly has been wonderful. After a week's time I have gotten fully accustomed to being waited on. But in all seriousness, I am extremely thankful I am here at this time and thankful for all these healing treatments I get to do. It wouldn't have been possible without the generosity, support, prayers and encouragement from all of my wonderful friends, family and even strangers. I am overwhelmed with the love and kindness of so many people for me and my family. It has blown us away. We love you all and will keep you updated as much as I am able to while here in Mexico. The adventure and journey continues!

                                                             Love and God bless!

When Life Feels Overwhelming

I realized the other day that I hadn't updated my blog in over a month! How did that happen? How did life get so busy and crazy and maybe even slightly overwhelming without my knowledge? Cancer. That's how. Cancer has kind of taken over becoming my full time occupation these days. It takes up a lot of my time and energy right now. There is so much to do and prepare and cook and supplements to take and exercise to do and time sitting in my sauna and juicing and smoothies and injections and infusions, and....the list goes on. Healing cancer is a full time commitment. It fills up a huge portion of my day. So, I'm sorry if I have been incognito the last month. But honestly, I also haven't written a new post because I haven't quite known what to say. I haven't been able to put my thoughts into words, which is not a common occurrence for me. I actually sat down the other day and typed out a post, but deleted the whole thing. It just didn't sound good. It didn't sound like me. It didn't flow or make sense. So, I decided to start from scratch and to write from my heart.

This last month has been so incredibly challenging. After my scan results, I felt as if I was back in time to April 2017 when I found out I had cancer. I felt all the feels as my doctor told me the disease had progressed into my liver and several other places and that it was time to do something different. It was time for a change in protocol. I am the type of person that hates change, so this situation I have been put into has been the most difficult in my cancer journey thus far. It was time for a change. It was time to do something different. Well, that "different" isn't what the average person would have done, but we have fully committed to healing my cancer on our terms. We are walking by faith and not by sight. I sorta kinda understand how Peter felt went he stepped over the side of the boat to walk towards Jesus on water. He had faith to step over the side, but when he looked down and started to doubt, he began to sink. I have had many "sinking" moments this last month. I have stepped over the side like Peter did and put one foot in front of the other not knowing if I was going to stand or sink, but I have had my worries and fears along with a whole heap of faith.

From the start, I have felt that healing cancer requires more than just chemo and radiation. It requires diet and lifestyle changes. It requires mind and soul and body changes. It requires a person to go all in- to completely change the way they are living. Because the way I have been living so far gave me cancer. So, it was time for a change.

The first change started with my 2-week stay in Denver. It was a whirlwind trip, but encouraging. I thoroughly enjoyed my time while I was there and felt like it was a time of rest; which I think I really needed. The next change was finding a new oncologist. Change is never fun, but it always seems to allow us to grow and stretch and persevere and dig down deep making us bigger, better and stronger. I loathe change, but change is coming.

Life with stage 4 breast cancer is not an easy thing and has, at times, been beyond overwhelming. It has been way more than I can handle in my own strength. Some days I struggle with my emotions and my stamina. I feel as if am in this never ending race for my life with seemingly no finish line in sight. It's not fair, it's not fun and there have been moments of fear. Just being real here, cancer sucks.  I'm ready for this time in my life to be over- to be able to move past this cancer and have it be a distant memory. I'm ready to be a cancer survivor.

But, here's the thing: how can you get to your destination without the journey? How can their be purpose without the pain? How can God make beauty from the ashes? How can we be refined like gold without going through the fire? When I step back and see the bigger picture, I am truly reminded of why I am here and what God's purpose is for my life. I'm not here for a fun-filled, self-filled life. I'm here for a God-filled, heaven-filled life. In my own human-ness, I am weak and this life is beyond what I can handle- it's overwhelming.  So completely overwhelming when I look at my circumstances. But I hang on to the promise that God will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me and wants the best for me- whatever that is. He has and will continue to carry me through this cancer and will continue to guide my steps. I have seen countless ways that He has supplied everything me or my family have needed this last year and I am reminded of his goodness and faithfulness. He really is a good God.


                                            "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,
                                             "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give
                                              you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


Even though at times life can be more than we can handle and may fill us with anxiety and fear and overwhelm us at every turn, we know that God has given us a hope and a future secure in Him. If you feel like you're in over your head today, be reminded of who God is and what God says. Be reminded that there is a bigger picture that we can't see. Be reminded today that God is good and He loves you!
               

The day my baby went to Heaven

April 24, 2013 is not just any day in history, it's the day my baby went to Heaven. He would have been 5 years old this year. He would most likely be running through the house with his two older brothers firing nerf guns at each other or building legos together or jumping on the trampoline or riding his bike. I imagine him as a happy, go lucky kid full of personality and wit. He probably would have kept me on my toes. I imagine he would have had a redish tint to his hair and sprinkling of freckles across his cheeks and cute little nose. I imagine he would have fit perfectly in our home. I think he would have brought such joy and laughter to our family had he not left this world in a hurry. And oh boy would he have been loved to pieces. 

Five years ago, I went into labor knowing the outcome of leaving the hospital with a baby was slim. Nonetheless, I had hoped beyond hoped we would. He came into the world in a hurry and left the world in the same fashion. He was in such an awful big hurry. Why? Because he knew he would go straight into the arms of Jesus that day and he was beyond thrilled to get there. I still don't understand why he couldn't stay with me and be my baby boy here on earth, but I don't fault him for wanting to be with Jesus. I do too.

I held his lifeless body in my arms and cried. I kissed his little cheek and touched his precious little feet and toes. Though his little body was far from whole, he is complete and whole in heaven. I miss what would have been. I miss what could have been. And I miss him. Thank you Jesus for entrusting his life to me. Although it was a short life, it was a beautiful life and I am so thankful I had the pleasure of being his mom. 

A piece of my heart lives in Heaven and a piece of heaven lives in my heart. He will always be remembered and never forgotten. He was and is a member of the Seals family and will always be my baby boy. Happy 5th birthday Brasen Creed Seals. You are loved.

Believe Big

So, you know how there are times in life when something takes place that you know is more than a coincidence? Something so divine that you know it is nothing short of a God thing? Well, that happened to me about a month and a half ago. 

Ryan and I were in Florida for FCA Reel time and had an amazing time! We met so many awesome people. People all with one common goal and vision. I absolutely LOVE meeting new people and had a blast getting to fellowship with FCAer's from all across America. But one woman in particular stood out from the rest, though, because she survived cancer. Stage 4 colon cancer no less. 

When you have cancer, you just seem to gravitate to anyone and everyone that has had cancer and is still living. It's like they're an anomaly or something. When you have cancer, you're always looking for the answer, the key, the guide, or the magic pill to cure your own cancer, so when you meet someone who has passed that monumental 5 year mark and is still cancer free, you take notice.

Ivelisse had stage 4 colon cancer 10 years ago and cured it through her diet and through Misletoe. I have talked a little about Mistletoe on my blog in an earlier post. But it is an alternative cancer treatment that fights cancer. I started doing Mistletoe injections through a clinic in Meridian back in September. But I first heard about it from a newly found fellow breast cancer friend about a year ago. Now, I was a little skeptical at first, because, well, it's Mistletoe. It's a green leafy thing that comes out around Christmas time and is used for kissing. I had never heard of it in conjunction with cancer. But I was intrigued. We researched it. My breast cancer friend also told me about this website called, "Believe Big" that offered grants to cancer patients to do IV mistletoe treatments. I remember looking at the website and feeling overwhelmed. I had barely found out I had cancer and my brain was on over load. I didn't know where to begin, who to talk to, and noticed that there weren't any clinics in my area that offered these IV Mistletoe treatments, so I researched no more and all but forgot about "Believe Big".

Fast forward to the end of February at Reel Time and meeting Ivelisse, the founder of "Believe Big". We're at a convention with more than 1500 people and I meet the very lady that started this foundation that I had looked into a year prior. Not a coincidence. 

Now, fast forward to today, I received a grant from "Believe Big" to do these IV Mistletoe treatments in Denver. I will be traveling down there the end of this month and will be doing 10 treatments. I will be there for almost 2 weeks. I'm excited and nervous, but really hopeful. I believe God has lead me to this clinic and this treatment, so I'm excited to see what God is going to do. I have never been away from my kids for more than 6 days, so this will be a stretch for me. But I am praying it will be a rewarding, healing time while I am away. 

When things in life happen that are out of our control(like cancer), we can respond in a myriad of ways. We can become angry and bitter, we can become sad and depressed or we can become hopeful. I have experienced all of these emotions at one time or another. Sometimes all of them at once. But I keep coming back to "hopeful". I believe God is calling me to trust him and to have "hope" that I will be healed and cancer free someday soon. I believe God is calling me to, "Believe Big".

I would so appreciate your prayers as I begin this new journey in my cancer process. It will be a stretching, growing time, but one that I hope proves fruitful.  

Will you believe big with me?

                                           

https://www.gofundme.com/kimi-seals-medical-expenses

The day I wrote a book

Almost exactly one year ago, I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. My official one year anniversary has almost arrived. I feel as if I have hit a huge milestone in my life and should celebrate royally! Another year survived and another year alive- that's something to celebrate!
This cancer journey has been nothing short of a crazy, scary, amazing, blessed, stretching, growing, refining, shocking, trusting experience. I have grown so much in a year. I am learning so much about myself and who I am and who God is. And I still have so much more to learn, but it's amazing what can happen in one year. And it's crazy to think that exactly one year ago my cancer journey began as well as another journey. My journey of becoming an accidental author and publishing my very first book began the same day that I found out I had cancer. What a CRAZY, super cool experience that has been. Never in a million years would I have imagined writing and publishing my own book. But then again, never in a million years did I expect to get cancer at the age of 34. You just never know what's going to happen in life. I am so totally for YOLO- You only live once. Because that is exactly what we get; one life and we need to make the absolute MOST of this one life we have. I have learned to not take this life for granted. Life and health is such a gift that I never truly understood until cancer came into the picture. When the big "C" came, I felt such an overwhelming urge to write a book. It was more than an urge, it was God speaking to me, nudging me, whispering into my ear, "cancer came so you can write a book".  So I did.
When I look back and really truly think about it, I can't believe that I actually did that. I don't even know how I did it or how I had the time, energy, brain power, stamina, and everything else you need to have when writing words down in a coherent manor. How did I do it?  I had so many doctor appointments, scans, pills, meds, infusions and everything else under the sun filling my time and stealing my thoughts with my cancer. How did I write a book in 6 months? God- that's how. God in all his grace, gave me all that I needed to face this long, intense cancer journey and the same God of all grace gave me what I needed to write my very first book! Now that is a true miracle. But I shouldn't really be that surprised, because God is in the business of performing miracles. The verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", runs through my head constantly. God has given me the strength to not only face cancer with a fierce determination to beat it and to live, and he has given me the strength to do the things that I never thought would be possible- becoming an author. I call myself an "accidental author" because writing books at this stage in my life was not on my radar. It was something I had imagined for myself when I was a kid, but not something I planned to do at the age of 34 with 4 little kids to raise, being a wife and mama. But God had other plans. Isn't that always the case? We can plan our course, but God is the one who directs our steps.

Cancer was and is a very scary reality in my life right now. It's been a huge life changing, faith boosting, mind strengthening, fear inducing battle. I have never before put my life, trust, hope and faith into the hands of Jesus like I have since this journey began. I'm not sure where I will be a year from now or what this next year will hold, but knowing God holds my future in His hands and has a plan and a purpose for my life no matter how long or short it is gives me peace.

As for now, my future holds more cancer treatment. More alternative treatments. Eating healthy, taking supplements, getting rid of this crazy cancer and writing my 2nd book. I will basically be living in Denver for 2 weeks the end of this month, so my hope is to get a good portion of my second book completed and Lord willing, get it published this fall. Eeekk!!

 This life is a tricky one. With lots of twists and turns. We don't know where our journey will take us, what we will do or become, but our job is to make the most of this one life we have been given. Give it your all. Do your best. Do all the things that you never thought possible. Be the best you that you can be. We won't get out of this life alive, so make the most of the time you have. I am learning that. Every day I am learning more and more. Learning to let go and let God.

Seeing my book on Amazon has been beyond amazing. It's a dream come true. A dream I never really dreamed, but God ordained. I truly can't describe how it feels to accomplish something like that. I am feeling all the feels. If you want to check it out, here is the link-
https://www.amazon.com/Beauty-Ashes-Journey-through-cancer/dp/0999470094/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1522900806&sr=8-1&keywords=kimi+seals


Thank you to those who have loved me, supported me, and have helped me along this journey! I couldn't have done it without you! You just never know what might happen in your life. You just might do that thing that scares you the most, but brings you the most joy. That thing that gave you the most satisfaction. Gave you hope. Gave you life. Do that thing, because life is short. So, do it today!

April: The month of Sorrow, Searching and Surrenduring

April is almost here. The most dreaded month of the year, in my book. The month that holds such pain and sorrow ever so cleverly weaved between the span of it's thirty measly days. The month of all months. The month with a sadness that runs so deep, the end seems nigh unattainable. It's a month to remember, or rather, a month that will never be forgotten no matter how hard I have tried. It's the month that will forever live in infamy.
In my own silly fashion, this year I had hoped to somehow skip over April and go directly to May. Kinda like when playing the game of monopoly and you pick the card that allows you to skip around the board landing directly on "Go" collecting $200. Unfortunately in the game of real life, that's not possible. I can't skip around, passing over those bitter, traumatic memories in hopes of escaping those thoughts and feelings that were so prevalent years ago. It can't be done. So, here April comes, in all it's glory. That infamous month is almost here and so are those same old, yet familiar feelings rising up in me. Feelings I wish to forget. But this time around, there are new thoughts and feelings and experiences that have joined the month of sadness.
For many years, April held one set of sorrows. For almost five years, it held the anniversary of the death of my little Brasen Creed. But as incredible as it sounds, this month not only holds one anniversary, but another as well. The anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis somehow managed to wrangle it's way into the same month as little B's passing. I really should play the lottery way more than I do. What are the odds?!
It has now been almost one year since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. And while this deranged month holds such pain, nightmares, fears, worries, tears and sorrow in it's greedy little paws, it also holds something else. Something new and different. Something that I thought may never take place. And while I am still progressing, growing, evolving, searching and learning, there is a change that has taken place in me that only comes when one's heart is surrendered to the Creator. A change that only God can do. When you are faced with your mortality and control over your life has vanished through your finger tips, there is freedom and healing that takes place. God has taught me so much this last year. It has been the most delightfully, difficult year that I have ever faced in my 35 young years. And I know there is so much more to learn. Lord willing, I will have many more years to search and surrender and to learn and grow. That is in God's hands. But for now, the month of April also holds a new-found growth and life changing experiences that have altered the way I perceive it. It will still be the month of sorrows- the grief a parent goes through when their child dies is not something you "get over". But rather, you grow through. The shock of a cancer diagnosis isn't taken lightly either. But the scar that is left after an open wound heals will always be a reminder of the pain you endured. But that same scar is also a reminder that you made it through. You healed. And you lived to tell the tale. The scar will always be there, but the pain has lessened. It hasn't ceased, but the intensity has decreased as your healing has taken place. And healing will always take place. God created out bodies so amazing; we have the ability to heal ourselves. We're basically like Wolverine in X-Men.
I may have been wounded and scarred. I may have felt such incredible heartache- heartache that I thought might just consume me and over take me. I may have felt the sting of my tears- tears I thought may never dry. But here I am, another year has passed and I am still moving forward. The scars are healing and the pain is receding. God has been so faithful. He has been by my side every single April. And He will continue to walk with me as I navigate this thing called life. April will always come, year after year, but God is bigger than any month of the year. He is bigger than any pain. He is bigger than any experience or diagnosis. April may be the month of sorrows, but it's also the month of searching and surrendering. It just might be the month I wish to NEVER forget, because it's the month that God made a change in me.

The ABC's of sleep: Counting your blessings instead of sheep

Do you ever struggle with falling asleep at night? Are you one of those people that feel exhausted during the day, finally climb in bed, shut off the light and your mind decides to go crazy with thoughts, worries, to-do's, regrets, fears, and everything else in-between? You struggle to quiet down your busy mind. Well, take heart, you're not alone. We all seem to struggle when the lights go out and the darkness consumes us. There's something about the quiet of the night that can be deafening. Our own minds can be the source of misery, unresolve and lack of sleep. Now, I don't claim to have it all figured out, because I don't;  I still have nights from time to time where sleep eludes me and I'm awake until the wee hours of the morning trying to shut off the brain so I can catch some zzz's. But I have found several tricks that have helped to leave the day behind and fall into a restful sleep. Now, some of you may not struggle with sleep. You may be one of those people that can lay their head on the pillow and you're out. If that's you, than I applaud you. That's a gift not all have, but all wish to possess. So, what I'm about to share won't be for you, but if you are like the other 99% that struggle with sleep, than this is for you!
We really need sleep. More than just a couple of fitful hours of sleep- we need real sleep. The kind where you are out all night, at least 8 hours. Sleep is that small window of time where our bodies will recharge and repair. It's a time of healing. Have you ever noticed after several nights of rough sleep, that you start to feel like you're getting sick? Your body feels run-down and you feel on edge. Everything seems to bug you and your fuse is short. It's because your body didn't have adequate time to repair, clean out, and declutter.
Sleep has been crucial for me in my cancer healing. I have strived to make that a very important part of my journey and I want to share a few tips and tricks I have learned to help me achieve a good night's rest!

Here are 5 things that I do to allow myself the best possible night's sleep-

1. Go to bed at an early hour. If you stay up until midnight every night, try to climb into bed a half hour earlier the following night. Do this until you can get your body into a good rhythm of going to bed at an earlier hour.
2. Allow yourself at least 8 hours in bed before you have to wake up the next morning.
3. Keep your room cold and dark.
4. Wear earplugs to keep sounds out.
5. Have a fan on or some sort of white noise while you sleep.

Those are 5 very normal things that you probably already know, but may need to reinforce if you are having trouble staying asleep. But here is also something else that I have done to help quiet my mind and to help me fall asleep at night.

Even with the stress and worry of cancer, I have been able to sleep relatively well. I have had some rough nights here and there where I can't stop thinking and worrying, but overall God has really helped me to get the sleep I need and to leave my worries and cares in His capable hands.
Every night before I go to sleep, I pray. But back in April 2017 I started to do something else. It's what I like to call the, "ABC's".
Before I tell you what that is, I want to share with you one of my favorite movies- White Christmas! I LOVE that movie! Well, there is a scene in the movie where Bing Crosby's character and Rosemary Clooney's character are both awake at a late hour. Rosemary is having trouble sleeping(or so her little sister insists), so Bing starts singing, "Count your blessings, instead of sheep". I can't help but think that he was on to something- counting our blessings.

                                                                 They are so cute!!!


I found, in my own life, that I needed to get my mind right before I could relax and sleep. I needed to thank God for my blessings and remember who HE is and what HE says in his word is true. That my "feelings" weren't true, but God was. That would relax me and help me to cast my cares onto Jesus. So, I began saying truth, which turned into the ABC's.


God is-


                   A. All powerful
                   B. Breathe
                   C. Compassionate
                   D. Devoted
                   E. Everlasting
                   F. Faithful
                   G. Good.......

I started going through the alphabet coming up with words that described who God is. That brought peace to my heart. It erased the fear and worry of the unknown to a known God. He is my source of strength and the one who is giving me peace amid my cancer storm.
I have also used the ABC method in positive affirmations.


I am-


               A. Authentic
               B. Blessed
               C. Caring
               D. Disciplined
               E. Enough
               F. Forgiven
               G. Glad.......


If you are struggling with sleep tonight and wrestling with your mind, try the ABC's and see if they work for you. If anything, they will help to set your mind on heavenly thoughts, rather than earthly ones. And if you like words, try thinking of as many as you possibly can for each letter! It can be a fun game and hopefully you will be so lost in thought, that you will forget life's stresses and fears for a few moments and can bring peace to your heart.




You are safe, you are cared for, you matter and you are loved. Rest well tonight and count your blessings instead of sheep.