In my own silly fashion, this year I had hoped to somehow skip over April and go directly to May. Kinda like when playing the game of monopoly and you pick the card that allows you to skip around the board landing directly on "Go" collecting $200. Unfortunately in the game of real life, that's not possible. I can't skip around, passing over those bitter, traumatic memories in hopes of escaping those thoughts and feelings that were so prevalent years ago. It can't be done. So, here April comes, in all it's glory. That infamous month is almost here and so are those same old, yet familiar feelings rising up in me. Feelings I wish to forget. But this time around, there are new thoughts and feelings and experiences that have joined the month of sadness.
For many years, April held one set of sorrows. For almost five years, it held the anniversary of the death of my little Brasen Creed. But as incredible as it sounds, this month not only holds one anniversary, but another as well. The anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis somehow managed to wrangle it's way into the same month as little B's passing. I really should play the lottery way more than I do. What are the odds?!
It has now been almost one year since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. And while this deranged month holds such pain, nightmares, fears, worries, tears and sorrow in it's greedy little paws, it also holds something else. Something new and different. Something that I thought may never take place. And while I am still progressing, growing, evolving, searching and learning, there is a change that has taken place in me that only comes when one's heart is surrendered to the Creator. A change that only God can do. When you are faced with your mortality and control over your life has vanished through your finger tips, there is freedom and healing that takes place. God has taught me so much this last year. It has been the most delightfully, difficult year that I have ever faced in my 35 young years. And I know there is so much more to learn. Lord willing, I will have many more years to search and surrender and to learn and grow. That is in God's hands. But for now, the month of April also holds a new-found growth and life changing experiences that have altered the way I perceive it. It will still be the month of sorrows- the grief a parent goes through when their child dies is not something you "get over". But rather, you grow through. The shock of a cancer diagnosis isn't taken lightly either. But the scar that is left after an open wound heals will always be a reminder of the pain you endured. But that same scar is also a reminder that you made it through. You healed. And you lived to tell the tale. The scar will always be there, but the pain has lessened. It hasn't ceased, but the intensity has decreased as your healing has taken place. And healing will always take place. God created out bodies so amazing; we have the ability to heal ourselves. We're basically like Wolverine in X-Men.
I may have been wounded and scarred. I may have felt such incredible heartache- heartache that I thought might just consume me and over take me. I may have felt the sting of my tears- tears I thought may never dry. But here I am, another year has passed and I am still moving forward. The scars are healing and the pain is receding. God has been so faithful. He has been by my side every single April. And He will continue to walk with me as I navigate this thing called life. April will always come, year after year, but God is bigger than any month of the year. He is bigger than any pain. He is bigger than any experience or diagnosis. April may be the month of sorrows, but it's also the month of searching and surrendering. It just might be the month I wish to NEVER forget, because it's the month that God made a change in me.
