When Life Feels Overwhelming

I realized the other day that I hadn't updated my blog in over a month! How did that happen? How did life get so busy and crazy and maybe even slightly overwhelming without my knowledge? Cancer. That's how. Cancer has kind of taken over becoming my full time occupation these days. It takes up a lot of my time and energy right now. There is so much to do and prepare and cook and supplements to take and exercise to do and time sitting in my sauna and juicing and smoothies and injections and infusions, and....the list goes on. Healing cancer is a full time commitment. It fills up a huge portion of my day. So, I'm sorry if I have been incognito the last month. But honestly, I also haven't written a new post because I haven't quite known what to say. I haven't been able to put my thoughts into words, which is not a common occurrence for me. I actually sat down the other day and typed out a post, but deleted the whole thing. It just didn't sound good. It didn't sound like me. It didn't flow or make sense. So, I decided to start from scratch and to write from my heart.

This last month has been so incredibly challenging. After my scan results, I felt as if I was back in time to April 2017 when I found out I had cancer. I felt all the feels as my doctor told me the disease had progressed into my liver and several other places and that it was time to do something different. It was time for a change in protocol. I am the type of person that hates change, so this situation I have been put into has been the most difficult in my cancer journey thus far. It was time for a change. It was time to do something different. Well, that "different" isn't what the average person would have done, but we have fully committed to healing my cancer on our terms. We are walking by faith and not by sight. I sorta kinda understand how Peter felt went he stepped over the side of the boat to walk towards Jesus on water. He had faith to step over the side, but when he looked down and started to doubt, he began to sink. I have had many "sinking" moments this last month. I have stepped over the side like Peter did and put one foot in front of the other not knowing if I was going to stand or sink, but I have had my worries and fears along with a whole heap of faith.

From the start, I have felt that healing cancer requires more than just chemo and radiation. It requires diet and lifestyle changes. It requires mind and soul and body changes. It requires a person to go all in- to completely change the way they are living. Because the way I have been living so far gave me cancer. So, it was time for a change.

The first change started with my 2-week stay in Denver. It was a whirlwind trip, but encouraging. I thoroughly enjoyed my time while I was there and felt like it was a time of rest; which I think I really needed. The next change was finding a new oncologist. Change is never fun, but it always seems to allow us to grow and stretch and persevere and dig down deep making us bigger, better and stronger. I loathe change, but change is coming.

Life with stage 4 breast cancer is not an easy thing and has, at times, been beyond overwhelming. It has been way more than I can handle in my own strength. Some days I struggle with my emotions and my stamina. I feel as if am in this never ending race for my life with seemingly no finish line in sight. It's not fair, it's not fun and there have been moments of fear. Just being real here, cancer sucks.  I'm ready for this time in my life to be over- to be able to move past this cancer and have it be a distant memory. I'm ready to be a cancer survivor.

But, here's the thing: how can you get to your destination without the journey? How can their be purpose without the pain? How can God make beauty from the ashes? How can we be refined like gold without going through the fire? When I step back and see the bigger picture, I am truly reminded of why I am here and what God's purpose is for my life. I'm not here for a fun-filled, self-filled life. I'm here for a God-filled, heaven-filled life. In my own human-ness, I am weak and this life is beyond what I can handle- it's overwhelming.  So completely overwhelming when I look at my circumstances. But I hang on to the promise that God will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me and wants the best for me- whatever that is. He has and will continue to carry me through this cancer and will continue to guide my steps. I have seen countless ways that He has supplied everything me or my family have needed this last year and I am reminded of his goodness and faithfulness. He really is a good God.


                                            "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,
                                             "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give
                                              you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11


Even though at times life can be more than we can handle and may fill us with anxiety and fear and overwhelm us at every turn, we know that God has given us a hope and a future secure in Him. If you feel like you're in over your head today, be reminded of who God is and what God says. Be reminded that there is a bigger picture that we can't see. Be reminded today that God is good and He loves you!